I feel strangely empty. If I were religious, I might say something to the effect of "I don't have a soul". Or maybe a heart or I dunno. The hurt will come back. The anger, the resentment, the frustration and petty angst. That always comes back. But I feel like something else went away recently too.
I don't feel like my life has purpose, and I doubt it ever will. That's not new, it's just still on my mind.
I guess there's nothing left. Nothing but to boost my Xbox Gamerscore until I die.
I'm playing the first 3 Devil May Cry games.
I'm paranoid about how I smell, because I can't detect my own scent. Even after washing. Even though I'm rarely in a situation where anyone has to be around me long enough to find out what I smell like.
I crave intimacy, but I can't even imagine a woman who would be interested in me as much as I'd be interested in them. I feel like it'll only ever be one way. The only person who ever seemed interested is someone I don't feel any connection to, and that sucks because I think she's an alright person, all things considered.
On that note, I'm kind of struggling between two thoughts: That I should have less restricting standards, and that I shouldn't settle for less than what will make me happy. How do I reconcile those two things? You can't fake it. I mean, you can try, but if you try to force yourself to enjoy a relationship you don't actually want to be in, that's not only doomed to fail but it's also unfair to the other person.
Why can't I stop thinking about shit I'm never going to have? Hell, I wouldn't even be good enough at being in a relationship to stay in one for very long anyway! I can't even have a sensible sleep schedule.
Sometimes I draw, but I never have anything I WANT to draw.
I'm tired, but I need to stay up longer so I can be awake for my dentist appointment tomorrow. I really don't wanna go, but I've already postponed it once. At least my canker sore is gone.